Have you thought about the language you use in meetings?  I met with “Ted” last week (a designer) and we were rehearsing answers to some questions he was likely to hear during an upcoming interview.  I posed one to him:  how are you at defending your work in client meetings?  Ted gave what seemed like a reasonable answer, talking about pushing back, building an airtight case for the work he’d presented, rationalizing his process, and justifying his choices.

We both sat back and laughed, suddenly aware that he came across with a weird combination of petulant and defiant. 

It got me thinking about the language people use in interviews.  Have you ever been in a meeting that was going along just fine and then felt like you lost your connection?  Think about what you actually said just before that happened.  Could your choice of words been the culprit?

I was once having lunch with a creative director candidate, interviewing him for a big, leadership position he really wanted.  Things were going along pretty well; I knew he was talented and he came across smart and confident.  Then I asked him to talk about his management style and he launched into his philosophy:  “I’m actually pretty firm with people,” he said.  “I think everyone needs to know at all times just where they stand.  I’m here to help.  But if they’re not performing, they need to know I’m watching them and if they don’t improve, they’re out.”

I blurted “Well, that sounds just awful.”  I couldn’t help myself – was he kidding??   It doesn’t matter that he was right (people SHOULD know where they stand.  And if they’re not performing, they SHOULD leave the company).  It was his tone.  In his effort to sound strong and in control, he came across like a bully.  How would things have felt if he said this instead: 

“I really believe in giving feedback.  If one of my team members is struggling I want them to know they can come to me and I’ll help them as much as I can.  But if someone’s obviously in over their head, I hate to say it but I think it’s best if I can help them find their way towards something else where they can be more successful.”

Same thought, much better tone.  Who wouldn’t like this guy?

Over the years, we’ve been trained to build arguments, push back, defend, defend, defend.  But don’t you think the world has changed?  Who wants to spend their days locked in argument?  Wouldn’t it be better to take a client by the hand and lead them towards your thinking gently?  Collaboratively?  If you were hiring someone, wouldn’t you want to know they’ll be reasonable and thoughtful with clients and co-workers? 

Ted and I worked out a mantra for his interview the next day.  His job was to keep repeating to himself “flexible, collaborative, eager to help.”  His words and tone through the interview reflected those images and sure enough, the interview, which was supposed to be informational only, ended with an offer for a contract role to try things out. 

You have great strength and confidence (I know you do!)  Combative language, during an interview or, frankly, any other time, can only get in your way.

Non-Violent Communications